Little miss make up
welcome back to my blog.
I am so nervous about this topic but I want to share my journey and struggles with depression.
This is will be a long post and I hope this helps anyone struggling with depression. You are not alone and you can get help.
I first started to struggle with depression at age 12. It started after my I had my first dislocation due to my EDS. I dislocated my kneecap and ended up in a cast for about two months. I had to stop all my sport and Irish dancing. This really hurt me as I was so active and I always wanted to be a professional Irish dancer. The feeling of losing control of my life, really set me back. I felt left behind by friends. I no longer was part of the dancing group or hurling or football group. I was always socially awkward but this time I felt so different to everyone else. I wanted to hide away from school.
I just kept going and got more into art and that I could manage. I then lost my grandad suddenly at age 13 and this was a massive shock which I found hard to deal with. I just remember always crying but hiding the fact I was crying and been afraid of people seeing me upset. I found grieving very hard. Losing someone so sudden gave me that feeling of having no control over life and left me terrified to this day of losing someone so close again. I constantly worry of losing someone and going through the same heart ache I don't know how I would manage.
The following September I started first year and as any teenager I struggled massively with this. I was always paranoid ,afraid people where looking at me and talking about me. I was never confident.
I tried to hide away a lot in school and not participate in school activities. I couldn't do p.e so I was always feeling left out during that class. The only class I felt good in was art. I could express myself and be myself when drawing or making anything. Art class was the only time I felt good in school.
I did have a few more dislocations during the years leaving me in full length casts again and using crutches. This didn't help the feeling of people looking st me and been different constantly played on my mind. I hated standing out where people would look and whisper.
Then in fourth year as I thought I was fitting in more and coming out of myself a bit. My illness took a turn for the worst. I was having an awful lot of pain walking. My hips where agony to move. I was admitted to hospital with a form of juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. This was caused from a throat infection. I was in a wheelchair during my stay as I couldn't move my legs and the pain was unbearable. I spent four days in hospital been let home to a further two months bed bound.
My depression really set in now. Friends stopped bothering with me. They carried on with there worry free lives and who wanted to bother with me I couldn't walk. My mother had to dress me and wash me. I never felt so helpless in my life. I was 16 and I couldn't even get dressed or have a shower. I needed help to get to the bathroom and to get food. It was so lonely.
I eventually recovered and slowly began to walk again. I used crutches for a while and then managed without.
i tired to fit in again and get my friends back but it was never the same they grew closer and I was an outsider. I missed so much and missing a day as a teenager feels like a lifetime.
I missed a crazy amount of school in fourth and fifth year. I would get flare ups from my condition which ment I was bed bound. Flares could last hours to weeks. Nobody in school believed there was anything wrong with me. If they can't see it, it was like it didn't exist. Teachers and people I thought where friends would always say oh where u dosing again. I used to feel sick going to school, knowing what they would say. Feeling alone that no one would believe me and worrying of what people would say next. I felt like I had idiot on my forehead going around.
Doctors where even telling me it was all in my head there was nothing wrong. Yet as I sat in a wheelchair barely able to walk , I just wished I could disappear. I kept crying all the time. I just wanted too be dead I didn't want to be living anymore. I had no life. No one believed me and I spent every day in utter agony and I even questioned myself was I really imagining all this pain. All I wanted to do was be off hanging out with friends and been like any other teenager.
I hit breaking point at 17. I used to lie on my cold timber bedroom floor crying allay everyday. I felt I wasn't good enough to even lie in my own bed. I remember one night my grandad coming in giving me €100 to go shopping and I didn't care. At this stage I was afraid to leave the house. My head was so bad when I did go out I could feel everyone staring and anyone who I seen talk I felt like they where talking about me.
I started getting panic Attacks then the struggle to breath and the feeling like a truck was on my chest, restricting my breathing was so terrifying. I have since then learned to control my panic attacks. I hair relax and breath and try to remain calm when one is starting and I can prevent a full blown attack.
I now go in and out of my depression, I have my good days and I have bad days.
I am on anti depressants that help control my moods. I find them very helpful but it was a long journey to find the right medication. I'm no longer embarrassed of my depression I feel strong for overcoming what I have and even though I do get rough days where I could cry al day and feel useless, I still get by and I wouldn't be where I am today if I wasn't a strong person. I just think now when having a bad day that bad days are just there to make us appreciate the good days so much more. I did see a counsellor, who I found very helpful. I had a counsellor while I was in school. He was amazing and really helped me. My counsellor and my Irish teacher where the only two who helped me during my secondary school journey.
I do have more to add on my depression but it links with been bullied, so I will do a separate post on bullying and my depression.
Thank you so much for reading.
I felt like crying the whole way through typing this, but go me I didn't and I feel such a weight has been lifting by doing this blog post.
Lots of love,